A Rom-Com So Messy, You’ll wish you would've swiped left.
Love Hurts is what happens when you throw John Wick, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and a Hallmark Valentine’s Day special into a blender, forget to put the lid on, and just let the chaos splatter all over the place. It’s a mob rom-com that commits to being loud, ridiculous, and endearingly stupid—sometimes in a good way, mostly in a what the hell is happening? kind of way.
Our hero is Marvin Gable (Ke Huy Quan), a man living the dream—or at least the dream of someone who really loves real estate and baking cookies. He’s a sweet, wholesome realtor with a dark past as a mob assassin (because those career paths totally overlap). Just when he’s gotten cozy in his suburban double life, his long-lost ex, Rose (Ariana DeBose), returns from the dead, ready to stir up more than just old feelings. Too bad Marv’s mobster brother, Knuckles (Daniel Wu), doesn’t share the Romeo & Juliet energy and sends a team of colorful assassins (including Marshawn Lynch, because why not?) to make sure Marvin’s love story has a permanent The End.
Cue over-the-top fight scenes, weapons disguised as household items, and a movie that feels like it was written on a sugar rush and shot while everyone was slightly tipsy.
The one thing Love Hurts absolutely nails is Ke Huy Quan. The man is a treasure, and watching him switch from “nice guy realtor” to “oh damn, he’s terrifying” mode is a blast. He’s charming, he’s got great comedic timing, and he can actually fight—which, in a movie like this, is kind of important.
The action? Surprisingly solid. That’s thanks to director Jonathan Eusebio, who knows a thing or two about fight choreography (John Wick stunt crew, baby). The fights have that crisp, well-shot, no-shaky-cam energy that modern action flicks desperately need, and honestly, if this movie were just 90 minutes of Quan roundhouse-kicking dudes in bad suits, I’d be fully on board.
Even the camp factor works in its favor. This movie knows it’s ridiculous and doesn’t try to be anything else. There’s a moment where Daniel Wu’s character gets handed fresh boba mid-fight, and honestly? That’s cinema.
And now, the painful part.
First, the script. If this movie were a person, it would be that friend who can’t finish a story without getting distracted by a squirrel. The plot lurches from scene to scene, throwing in subplots that don’t really matter and dialogue that often sounds like the characters are reading the stage directions out loud. (“Marv clenches his jaw and looks away wistfully.”)
Then there’s the romance, which is… barely there. Love Hurts wants us to believe that Marv and Rose have this intense, tragic love story, but the movie spends so little time actually showing us why they care about each other that it just comes off as an awkward workplace flirtation that got out of hand. If this were a real relationship, their couple's therapist would be exhausted.
And the ending? After 83 minutes of escalating action, it fizzles out with yet another fight scene that feels like a rerun of the last five. It’s like watching a fireworks finale where the big explosion never happens—just more of the same sparklers you’ve already seen.
Love Hurts is a movie best watched under very specific conditions: You have zero expectations. You’re in the mood for a Valentine’s flick but not in the mood for actual romance. You want to see Ke Huy Quan and Marshawn Lynch punch people for no reason.
Is it a good movie? No. Is it a fun movie? Kind of. Is it the cinematic equivalent of getting a heart-shaped box of chocolates only to find out half of them are filled with toothpaste? Absolutely. So what is the score of this relationship. 3 out of 5 Bryans. It's Entertaining enough, but I wouldn’t call it marriage material.
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